Do I need a nanny?

So now soccer season is in full swing...we've got Peeps and Poops playing soccer and the babe wants to crawl around the field (which lately has been muddy and full of goose poo). I have to say..by the time I get home from work we are rushing out the door for soccer and then I can't seem to figure out where to find time to clean and cook in between it all. It was easier without the Babe being mobile cause I could hold him while I did everything..but now he wants to explore...he loves to play with the dog food bowl (ick) and try to get in their water bowl...he loves to open cabinets and pick up every tiny thing he can find. He doesn't like to be confined in his walker or play pen so I kinda feel like I might need some help to get anything done. We are considering having my husband's cousin come live with us for a while and help with the house and baby while I am at work and then when I get home I can just be a mom and go to the park and play with the kids. She would do light cleaning and cook dinner at night...she was my husband's nanny when he was a baby.

Here are some pics taken at a basketball game where my daughter's faculty played against another school faculty and won! :-)

9 months

My little guy is 9 months already...it is so hard to believe that 9 months ago I was giving birth on Father's Day. I think the time slips by faster the more children you have. Some days I wonder how I even do it...working full time and getting out the door with 3 kids at tow. Poops always helps with Peeps but I get the babe ready and take him to his sitter. Half the time when I make it to work I realize I haven't brushed my teeth or hair and have to do it in the bathroom at work. Often I have some kind of goo or bodily fluid on my shoulder where the babe has chewed on me or lovingly wiped his nose on me. I worry that the time is flying by too fast when I take a hard look at him and see that he is not only crawling but moving from place to place on his feet..ready to walk.

Now its soccer season so we will have practice Monday-Thursday, 2 games every Saturday and one on Sunday. The time is surely going to move faster now than ever before and I just want to pause it all and take a breath with my kids. I want a day where we don't have anything to do and we can just be...no laundry..no chores...no errands...


Peeps did the funniest thing the other day...she started screaming like she had gotten hurt so her father and I run to her rescue..wondering what could it be..we didn't see any blood and she wasn't holding any particular part of her body..when we got her to stop screaming and were able to understand what was wrong we heard.."ANT!" . She had an ant on her! We couldn't calm her..the ant must've fallen off of her because I stripped her down and showed her it was gone but she wouldn't or couldn't believe me. She was sure the ant must've gone in her belly button or perhaps inside one of her "boo boos". I assured her the ant was gone after about 30 minutes of repeating it and showing her in the mirror. I don't get the fear of ants but I am hoping it goes away.

Peeps is so good with her baby brother. She just loves to hold him and take care of him. She runs to hug him when we walk in the door before even hugging me. Poops is good with her little sister but with her baby brother she would rather look at him from afar. He cries every time she goes to hold him (upon my request) and I think he feels her lack of enthausiam. Poops is struggling in school keeping organized and we are hoping she gets it under control before she heads off to middle school next year. Poops is now 5'3 and so skinny..I don't know what happened to my little girl but all of a sudden I see a young lady and that makes me sad. I miss my little girl...time please slow down just for a while..let me have a day to relish in my children and their beauty.

Leaving my Babe

I found a daycare provider for the Babe and she seems to be working out great. He has completely adjusted and I'm not sure if he even thinks about me during the day since he has adjusted so well. When I call him to check in he just wants to eat the phone. Every day when I drop him off as I drive away I get this horrible pang of nausea and guilt that I am hoping goes away but not sure if it will. How can I justify working and leaving my baby to be cared for by another? Is our nice neighborhood and single family home really worth the pain of not being with my children all day? Should my older children suffer in a lower class neighborhood and lesser school so that I can be home with them 24/7? I don't know. I don't know what is right and wrong but I keep banking on the idea that my Babe won't remember. He may even think that I never left him in daycare as my older one asked me one day. She didn't even know that I had left her in daycare when she turned 1. I am hoping this happens with the Babe. Now my Peeps cried last night when I told her I had to work today...she is 5 and still cries for me. It really breaks my heart.

Yesterday he didn't want to eat his sweet potatoes so his sitter said..I gave him couscous. I am okay with that...but wonder..what other things will she give him that I don't..and what kind of man will he be knowing I was not his only influence as a baby. Is it strange to worry and or think about these things? Probably...maybe...maybe not...but I do.

Babe's top right tooth is coming in and he constantly grinds his bottom two on the top point of a tooth. He makes the funniest face while doing this and I will have to post a photo next time I catch him doing this.

Growing Pains...turning 12

My little girl isn't so little anymore. Over the summer she blossomed into what looks to be a young lady. I feel like that car insurance commercial where the dad looks at his daughter in the drivers seat and what he sees is a little girl but the reality of the situation is she is a young woman. I still see my baby and sometimes I get confused when she walks by me and I look at her like who are you. She often asks me now..why are you staring at me? She must think I am cuckoo and maybe she's right but where is my baby? My little girl who followed me around and ran to hug and kiss me when I walked through the door from work. My little snuggle bug who wanted to be with me and share with me every detail of her life? I wonder where she has gone when I look into the face of my 12 year old daughter who acts like I am pulling her teeth out if I ask her to tell me about her day. The little girl who used to beg me for a kiss before I left now shys away from me like I have leprosy if I even attempt to put my lips near her face. I actually am tearing up now writing this because the very thought and reality pulls so strongly at my heart. I so miss my baby girl but I am proud of the big girl she is becoming. We do argue a lot more than I ever thought was possible but this morning she and Peeps made a cake and I thought..this girl is a sweet person. A good big sister..caring and loving...and although she is testing the waters every now and then and a pre teen..we can do this..get through this time together. I just hope I can be the best mom I can to provide her with the direction she needs to be a good woman and once she is done with college...hopefully a good mom.