Friday, January 14, 2011

Leaving my Babe

I found a daycare provider for the Babe and she seems to be working out great. He has completely adjusted and I'm not sure if he even thinks about me during the day since he has adjusted so well. When I call him to check in he just wants to eat the phone. Every day when I drop him off as I drive away I get this horrible pang of nausea and guilt that I am hoping goes away but not sure if it will. How can I justify working and leaving my baby to be cared for by another? Is our nice neighborhood and single family home really worth the pain of not being with my children all day? Should my older children suffer in a lower class neighborhood and lesser school so that I can be home with them 24/7? I don't know. I don't know what is right and wrong but I keep banking on the idea that my Babe won't remember. He may even think that I never left him in daycare as my older one asked me one day. She didn't even know that I had left her in daycare when she turned 1. I am hoping this happens with the Babe. Now my Peeps cried last night when I told her I had to work today...she is 5 and still cries for me. It really breaks my heart.

Yesterday he didn't want to eat his sweet potatoes so his sitter said..I gave him couscous. I am okay with that...but wonder..what other things will she give him that I don't..and what kind of man will he be knowing I was not his only influence as a baby. Is it strange to worry and or think about these things? Probably...maybe...maybe not...but I do.

Babe's top right tooth is coming in and he constantly grinds his bottom two on the top point of a tooth. He makes the funniest face while doing this and I will have to post a photo next time I catch him doing this.

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Growing Pains...turning 12

My little girl isn't so little anymore. Over the summer she blossomed into what looks to be a young lady. I feel like that car insurance commercial where the dad looks at his daughter in the drivers seat and what he sees is a little girl but the reality of the situation is she is a young woman. I still see my baby and sometimes I get confused when she walks by me and I look at her like who are you. She often asks me now..why are you staring at me? She must think I am cuckoo and maybe she's right but where is my baby? My little girl who followed me around and ran to hug and kiss me when I walked through the door from work. My little snuggle bug who wanted to be with me and share with me every detail of her life? I wonder where she has gone when I look into the face of my 12 year old daughter who acts like I am pulling her teeth out if I ask her to tell me about her day. The little girl who used to beg me for a kiss before I left now shys away from me like I have leprosy if I even attempt to put my lips near her face. I actually am tearing up now writing this because the very thought and reality pulls so strongly at my heart. I so miss my baby girl but I am proud of the big girl she is becoming. We do argue a lot more than I ever thought was possible but this morning she and Peeps made a cake and I thought..this girl is a sweet person. A good big sister..caring and loving...and although she is testing the waters every now and then and a pre teen..we can do this..get through this time together. I just hope I can be the best mom I can to provide her with the direction she needs to be a good woman and once she is done with college...hopefully a good mom.